December 10, 2003
LOTD: Juice
As judged by the television (is there any other way to judge?), juice is a staple of life over here. It's about the only way to get a dose of vitamin C. Of course, what passes for juice is little more than watered-down tang.
The juice commercials take up nearly half of all advertising I've seen so far on the tube. Juice commercials emulate the pattern of beer commercials back in the states. The most played one is this:
-Man driving orange truck down road.
-Small accident, and all the oranges are spilt onto the asphalt.
-Many hot girls stop by to help man put all the fruit back in the truck.
-Hot girls now in bikinis walking towards the man on his private yacht.
-Shots of girls, in skimpy clothes, picking fruit. Plenty of bending over.
-Girls holding oranges next to breasts, to solidify association.
So, instead of "drink beer and bikini-clad women will emerge," it's "drink orange juice, and bikini-clad women will emerge." Anything to promote a healthy diet.
On a more disturbing advertising note. One of the more popular brands is translated as "My Family." Here is a picture of their box. Make sure you click on the image to make it bigger, otherwise you won't see it's insidiousness.
If that's what the juice will do to my family, I'm not sure I should drink it. The mom is the only one with a normal looking gaze, and the kids are really screwed up. Not only does the boy look psycho, I think he has fangs. As if the crazy stares weren't enough, this looks like it could be a poster for the Aryan Nation. Drink this juice to make your kids healthy so they may contribute to the race. Freaky. Needless to say, I drink a different brand.
PS: In checking my spelling for this post, I learned that asphalt naturally occurs "on the surface and shores of the Dead Sea." What?!?! And that's a tourist destination? I don't think I'll be bathing there anytime soon.
I would stay the Hell away from anything that could turn you and your family into psycho, fanged, juice-sucking monstrosities.
On the other hand, Russian fruitarian vampires seems like it could be an emerging fad, similar to vegan goths. Maybe even a White Wolf RPG? "My Family: The Fruitarians". Just think of the possibilities of using Disciplines that not only nourish the body, but bring busty women screaming toward you, just to drink of your juice.
Lol ! Where did you find these freaky vampiric fruitarians ? Are they escapees from some drozophilla (sp?) experiment ? I've never seen this hideousness in Moscow -- must be a St. Petersburg-specific thing.
Anyway, there are actually some Russian juices which are not nearly as popular here: "abrikos[oviy]" (apricot), "granat[oviy]" (pomegranate -- quite good), "vishnyoviy" (sour cherry -- NOT the same thing as the artificial stuff that's called "cherry" here in the US !), and, my favorite, "oblepihoviy" (a tangy kind of berry that grows on trees, dark orange in color and tasty, yet somewhat exotic). In America, you pretty much have a choice between oarange, apple, grapefruit (if you're lucky), and that's it.
ummm...you can also have cranberry juice (a personal favorite) or grapefruit juice. Of course, I doubt either of those are available in Russia. Specifically cranberries, since they don't exactly travel well.
Speaking of Juice, nice double entendre, Tony. Or maybe I just take it that way. Since I'm married, is it bad that I picked up on that? I hope not.
Posted by: Jason at December 10, 2003 05:14 PMCranberry, bah. The so-called cranberry juice they sell here is some sort of an artificial flavoring mixed with sugar water. It tastes like smelly plastic. Grapefruit is good, but again, it's hard to find one that doesn't taste like crap. Israeli grapefruit juice, on the other hand... mmm.
Oh, and I think the whole point of subtle innuendo is that you don't actually go ahead and explain it. Just a heads-up.
Posted by: Bugmaster at December 11, 2003 01:46 PMAs it goes, I don't drink much fruit juice -neither plant nor animal.
Posted by: Tony at December 12, 2003 03:50 AMSee, Jason ? Watch and learn.
Posted by: Bugmaster at December 12, 2003 11:22 AM