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As of today, I am an illegal alien in Russia. Don't worry too much, though. This mostly means that if the police stop me, they'll take whatever money I have on me, maybe my cell phone too, and let me continue on my merry way. How did it get to this point? Well, like any good Russian story, it involves corruption, betrayal, and an extremely ill-tempered government employee.
In order to keep a short leash on us, and to continuously pump money, we foreign students are given visas for only six months at a time. My visa was only until the 1st of March, and I tried to extend it this week.
In order to extend, you need: An HIV test, several passport pictures, proof of medical insurance, proof that you've paid the semester's tuition, two applications, your name on a sheet of paper from the room down the hall (let's be nice, pretend they have good organization, and call this the "Registrar's Office), a receipt for payment of the application fee (400 rubles ~ $15), and one small pink monkey (to act as your intermediary should any conflict arise with the passport thief).
These various steps have to be done in a certain order, and that often entails a lot of walking back and forth to the same places multiple times. To start with, the Foreign Office is open to students only between the hours of 3 and 5 pm. Since there are thousands of foreign students at the university, this means that if you want to get in, you often have to come hours in advance. It also means that if you want to go to several rooms in the same building, it might take several days, because each one has its own line. Oh, and they're closed on Wednesdays, because eight hours a week is enough to take care of thousands of students.
The various tasks that must be completed all occur in different areas of the university, which all have their own, sometimes conflicting, hours. Moreover, the campus is sectioned off so that you can't just walk in a straight line. You have to constantly walk around gates and through access points. This is just another manifestation of the Soviet/Russian desire to control movement. The HIV test, for example, is taken in a laboratory on the other side of campus from the Foreign Office. It costs about $10, and is ready at 5pm the following day. Of course, the other place closes at 5pm, so this means that you have to go there at least two days before you plan on handing in your documents.
Tuition is paid at yet another location. But before you pay, you have to get permission to pay, which is from the Foreign Office (FO). Of course, you have to wait in line to get this. You take the permission to the second floor of the building where you pay. You give it to a lady, who punches some keys on a keyboard and prints out the invoice you give to the cashier downstairs. Oh, and you can only pay in cash. About a year ago they added the fantastic new ability to pay by credit card, but for some reason it won't accept all cards, and my MasterCard doesn't work. Then you get a receipt that you take back to the FO, and hand in. They take a copy, and you take the original. They then give you a sheet of paper with your name on it.
Now, if you've done all this and have the documents I previously mentioned, you can go and turn it all in, including you passport, to apply for a new visa. Once you've waited in line, you hand all the documents to a woman who has the appearance and character of a troll. She verifies that everything is in order, and gives you a bill to take to another cashier, to pay for the application. This cashier is located in yet another part of the university. Then you trod back, and wait in line again. Depending on how fiercely the fire of anger is burning within your heart, you might just barge in, bypassing the line and demanding to be seen after the current occupant has left. Then you give away your passport for one to two months, and receive a sheet of paper to show to the police if they stop you.
That's the normal process. Let's see what went wrong, and why Owen is now an illegal migrant. Well, at the beginning of February, I decided to turn my documents in early, so as to avoid the rush of doing it at the last minute, like I usually do. However, due to some unforeseen budgetary shortfalls, I was unable to pay my tuition. Without this, of course, I couldn't extend my registration. Through a combination of payday and much-needed donations, I went down to the university at the beginning of the week to turn in my passport.
Last Thursday was a holiday and since everyone also took Friday off, Sunday was a working day. I went to the FO to get an HIV test and to bargain about my tuition payment. I don't have enough to pay $2,000 now, so I wanted to pay $1,000 now, and the balance by April 15th. "Ok," was the response, "write down the request, and we'll get it verified." Unfortunately, it had to be signed by the head of the Foreign Office of my faculty, then by the head of the general FO, who was sitting in the adjacent room. My faculty isn't just on the other side of the campus, it's on the other side of the city. "Why can't the head person, who's next door, just sign it?" I asked, "We know that my vice-dean will agree to it." "We must do it in the proper order," came the response. Fine, it's rush hour, and they want me to travel across the city, to have the document signed by a man who is notoriously never at the faculty. I figured that since I wouldn't get the results of my HIV test until Tuesday anyways, this new obstacle didn't really affect my schedule.
On Tuesday, I went to my faculty, picked up the agreement that I had dropped off on Sunday, and then traveled across the city to the main campus, where I got my HIV results on my way in to the FO. The Registrar's office was locked for 40 minutes longer than it should have been after lunch was over, and all of us waiting could hear hearty laughing from inside. Eventually the door opened, and almost the whole FO staff piled out. The woman I needed walked away carrying mayonnaise and returned empty-handed a few minutes later.
I gave her the agreement, and she left to give take it ten feet down the hall, to have it signed by the head of the FO. She returned and told me, "You'll have to wait a bit, she's busy." Busy, I thought, I just saw her leave your little party, and all she needs to do is sign! About 30 minutes later I had the document signed, and was given my permission to pay.
I gathered everything, and went to the passport troll, to turn my documents in. She took them, saw that everything was there, then told me that she wouldn't take them. I came too late, and would now have to pay a 1,500 ruble (~$55) fine for overstaying my visa. But I hadn't overstayed, it was the 28th, and I was still clearly registered. She said that we have to come two weeks before our registration ends. I told her that this was the first time I head of this rule, and she responded that that wasn't her problem. I have extended my visa many times in the past, and never have I had this problem. She was just in a bitchy mood and didn't want to take my documents. I know people who earlier that day, the day before, and the week before had all given their documents ... and without a fine.
If she won't take the documents, there's nothing I can do about it. It's just another way for the government to get more money out of us. She gives me the address of the police station where I pay the fine. I look at the hours, and on Tuesdays it's open from 10am to 1pm, on Wednesdays it's closed, and on Thursdays from 4 to 7pm. So the earliest I can pay my fine is on Thursday, but it doesn't open till 4, which means that the FO will be closed by the time I get there, and I'll have to go back AGAIN on Friday.
Dealing with the bureaucracy of the university consistently gets me physically angry. My blood truly boils. After hours of waiting, watching the women play video games on the computer instead of helping the mass of students in the hall, I can feel the pressure in my chest mount, my body temperature rise, and my face and hands flush.
The two worst things are the waiting and the lack of standards. I have spent several hours waiting in the Foreign Office only to have time run out before I could enter. That's how many students there are, and how inefficient the staff is. You lose entire days, and I live quite far away from the main campus, it's hell to have to trek out there. Moreover, there seems to be no clear standards. When I was waiting on Tuesday, a friend had the same tuition issue as I did. I told him that he could draw up an agreement, and he did. His bureaucrat took it directly to the head woman, who signed it. He's in the same faculty, same program as me, but he didn't have to take the agreement all the way across town to have our vice-dean sign it. Why did I??? Also, this line about the two-week deadline. First, I've never had to do it before. Second, nobody told me. Third, I couldn't have made it anyways, I didn't have the money. Fourth, I know people who did it THAT DAY without paying a fine. It's all based on the whims and moods of random bureaucrats.
That's the story of how Owen became an illegal alien. I've found how to work this to my benefit. I can now honestly say that I've been an ESL teacher, and that I know what it's like to live and work illegally in a foreign country.
Posted by Owen at March 1, 2006 11:59 PM | TrackBack